Sexual Politics

Proverb: Even a small star shines in the darkness.
How old was I when I realized Daddy was more handsome than other fathers. When he smiled, women would curl their toes. His lean work-hardened body loved to move to music. He called square dances but really shone when he fox-trotted with Mother.
Lean of hip was like a hidden motivation for years. I didn’t prize handsome since I was the ugly duckling in my family. Mother said never to marry a man who didn’t love to dance. But child-bearing age tilted my focus to big, which seemed important—protective until I learned that folly at birthing time.
After the divorce, Daddy asked me, “What’s wrong, did he want it too much?”
“No,” I said, “Not enough.”
“Oh my God,” he said. “You’re just like me!”
So proving I was desirable after rejection by my bi-sexual husband re-ignited the flame of those lean male hips of promise. Promiscuous is awfully close to the word promise—of love returned. It took a while to realize every touch meant something to people, their families, their friends. It took even longer to learn that power was an empty aphrodisiac.
So I remember the swarthy Italian, white headed with blue eyes who walked as if his suit was his skin. Like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. I can see the golden crown of curls, the perfect proportions, the sorry lack of intelligence in my randy cousin. And my mouth watered to taste the blond eyelashes of another wayward husband the first time I saw his face. And those nearly red pupils of a man from India, the huge hands on the bar that caught my attention, the tight ass of my second husband who loved to dance but not only with me. I could pull them in only to find they didn’t fulfill a longing I couldn’t explain. The sympathizing orifice was non-reciprocal. They were like bottles of alcohol—tossed when emptied. I told one therapist it was all material. I was a writer. She answered, “What, you don’t have an imagination?”
And then loneliness had its sway and I reached for a human with integrity to help me ford the river of life happy to ride the waves of one contented loving man.